Seat Stealing Criminals and my Holy Phallicness


There are a lot of seat criminals on this train. When they’re caught they give themselves up without a fuss. There’s no ‘Bonnie and Clyde on a train’ kind of shit. But they’re still fucking criminals. Most can’t enjoy the trip. They don’t even put all their arse onto the seat, they’re always ready for the stops. We pull up at the station and you see the dodgy bastards, heads up checking around and their body tense, they’re like meerkats when a snake comes along, or a lion, or a koala or whatever eats those dumb looking animals. However, the master seat criminals are horrifying to witness, they have the audacity to wear sleeping blindfolds, recline the seat and sleep…loudly! People actually have to… touch them to try and get them moved, they’re awful especially if they’re really old. Imagine it, you’re Mr Chen with a wife and computer game addicted kid, you’ve been working the week at Zhunan Science Park (out in the fucking sticks), forced from Taipei so you could get another job you hate but one with prospects, finally you’re going home to city life, civilization, you’ve bought a seat on a train, in your hand you have the actual ticket with your seat number on it, you get there and some ancient looking woman, with brittle legs that probably can’t even support her 35KG has a blindfold on and is sleeping in your seat. You check the ticket for the seventh time since you bought it. The numbers have stayed the same. What? You’d move her! Shake her awake and then shove her into the swaying aisle…you MONSTER! When this happens the people with a seat-ticket become very flustered and they start looking round, anxiously, hoping to meet sympathetic eyes or blink ‘fuck off’ to anyone who thinks that they were wrong. Anyway, there are pros and cons to these allocated seats, anyone in the UK must’ve been forced to choose between standing up or squeezing over some pissed bastard who’s reserved a window seat for (insert name of shitty tabloid paper here) and his cans of (insert name of fizzy piss alcohol here). I’ve given mine up to a big woman with a big husband and now I’m sitting in someone else’s seat, who knows when they’ll come. (They came at Banciao just before Taipei). I’ve become a seat criminal now. Not out of niceness. Out of habit. I’m certainly not feeling very nice.

I’ve been working all week and trying to type up the interviews during my time off. When I’ve not been getting the kids to rehearse the play or listening to the interviews over and over again trying to get them online then I’ve been willing this blog to get above 15 views a day. Why? Why should I care? Well firstly I’ve not got a book to read (which is always unhealthy for me) and secondly I’ve got a completionist personality but always force myself out of it. Here’s a list of things that have at times perverted harmless enjoyment into something much darker: 2000 AD comics, Merlin football stickers, foreign coins, Leeds United football programs, Championship Manager virtual trophies, gangster DVDs, classic books, money, work, classic rock albums, new indie music downloads, computer software. At some point I usually realise I’ve managed to turn something fun into work and then I fuck it off completely. Currently I’m trying to collect blog readers for this project, gotta catch them all, well straight guys/gay girls tell your friends that I’ve got massive tits and I’ll be posting pictures here the day after we get 50 views and straight girls/gay guys I’ve also got a massive cock which has some lost Christian/Islamic/Buddhist/Hindu/Jewish/Others text scrawled all over it and that ‘whipping it out deal’ also applies regarding that too.

To business…it’s Friday night again and I’m arriving into Taipei where I will meet with Chris and begin day 4 of our Taipei 101 project. Hopefully this is going to relax me a little and bring back some of the hippy-love-people feelings I was enjoying by the end of last weekend. If I can relax fast enough it might just be a lot of fun too.

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About orangetuesday

Chris Rawlins is the photographer. Lewis Hall is the writer. Taipei is the city.
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